❝It is the winter of 2013. We have two Christmas trees and the only thing I want to be is drunk. But since I have tastefully decided to put off becoming an alcoholic till I hit my twenties I am instead pulled down by the gravity of my own center.
I spend 5 hours trying to understand why the English language lacks the words to describe
1. I tried to sit on the floor of my shower because I liked the idea of crying there. I ended up staring at my alarm clock for 2 hours before screaming “fuck you” at the corner of my room. Fuck you.
2. Seeing my breath in the cold air makes me feel more powerful than my own two feet.
3. I am trying to understand why I think about food with the same intensity as my own mortality.
4. It’s a good thing the trenches carved into my cheeks are only marked by tears. Desperation leaves scares.
5. Last night I punched the wall four times while walking up the stairs. I am disappointed my knuckles are not bruised like everything else.
6. I have a compulsive need to ask the shadows of strangers to diagnose me with perfection.
7. I am not in the mood to be worshiped. I have spent a decade trying to erase the curse of loved daughter.
8. I watch movies trailers because they’re beautiful and they stop breathing before anyone gets hurt.
9. I want to be a movie trailer.
10. It has been three years since I have thought about dying.
11. I feel better now that I have.
12. I have aged more in the past 30 seconds than I have in the past 5 years but the only thing here to wish me happy birthday is the sound of rushing water and the feeling that there is no such thing as growing up happy—just forgetting.
13. It is the winter of 2013. I have two Christmas trees and the only thing I want to be is drunk. But since I have tastefully decided not become an alcoholic until I turn 20, I might cause a little hell before giving up."